Darkness and Depression 

Both my doctor and therapist said I was depressed.I knew that was the case. I studied psychology for two years, I saw the signs, I knew something wasn’t right with me. 
I found myself really unhappy on my graduation day, only then it really hit me. A university graduation is a big milestone for most people and I didn’t see a reason to be happy. Despite difficult hurdles I’ve had to go through this was a big achievement but I wasn’t impressed in the slightest. I just smiled for the pictures. 🤳 
I had noticed this glum dark feeling years before I decided to get help in January 2016. At 19 I went to the doctors twice after feeling unlike my usual self. I was feeling very down and tearful quite a lot. The doctor took no notice of my symptoms. The doctor proceeded to say in a very patronising voice “your probably just run down, holland and barrats have a sale for that”. 😑I accepted the stupid conclusion the doctor had come to. Every time I felt this way I didn’t want to reach out for help. Simply because I refused to be told to go to holland and barrats again. 
Since the age of 15 my bedroom had been my cave. I enjoyed being in my room and loved sleeping. It was the best way to avoid arguments or being upset. But by the time I was 20 there were times when I would not want to go out with friends and would stay inside in darkness.For me it was peaceful. I had no problems with friends coming round but I just didn’t want to go out.
Once I moved back to my mums I had completely isolated my self from the world around me. I wasn’t able to invite friends round not because I didn’t want to but because it was just out of the question. I had days where it was hard to get out of bed and tearful moments every so often which I saw as normal. I thought maybe I’m just feeling “run down” again 😑. 
I had a friend that was so dear to me and could snap me out of that mood in seconds. Me and this friend began to drift apart so drastically I had nobody to help snap me out of this mood. It all became an overwhelming spiral of darkness that i just could not snap myself out of for weeks.
Throughout the year 2016 I kept getting strong bouts of depression. But it was my routine that MADE me get out of bed.I knew that if I messed up my routine I’d be helpless. Sounds silly but it’s true that’s how my mind works. 
Work swapped my working days around in September. My routine was thrown off balance. My skin was getting worse and so was my mood. By October I became depressed and I didn’t want not a single soul in my presence. There were days where I didn’t really no what was going on, I was trapped in a daze. Didn’t snap out of it till the end of December. 
Towards the end of 2016 I was having such terrible thoughts. I felt like I was in a dark hole. I honestly believed I would not get back to feeling like myself. And it didn’t help that I had insomnia so there wasn’t even a single second where I could get away from this feeling. What made it worse was that people I actually wanted around me wernt there. But what kept me going was therapy sessions over the phone and the support from those around me. Even though I didn’t want people around me, having then there I believe stopped me from deteriorating. By January 2017 I became depressed again and went into hospital for my skin. I spent the first three mornings in hospital crying. Every time a nurse or doctor would speak I’d reply with tears. 
As mentioned before I had gone to the doctors previously in the past at 19 and 20 and I was told maybe I’m just “run down”. If you feel you may be experiencing depression don’t wait till you find yourself slipping away like I did. Reach out to somone whether it’s a family member, best friend, doctor or help online. It’s important to get the help you need.

Symptoms of depression 
* Problems trying to concentrate, remember details, and making decisions

* Feeling tired and low energy

* Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness

* Feelings of being pessimistic or hopeless 

* Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping

* Irritability, restlessness

* Loss of interest in usual activities 

* Overeating or appetite loss

* Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment

* Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” feelings

* Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts 
Below I will add in some links about depression and what to do if you think you have depression :
http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/depression/Pages/Introduction.aspx 
http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/depression/#.WOXkMzx4WEc 

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/Pages/mood-self-assessment.aspx
http://www.llttf.com

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